Beginners Blog

Today, I did a lot of thinking about focus. Although I couldn't be happier with all the wonderful artistic endeavors I am involved in, goals still feel out of reach and I think that is because I've lost some focus. I let opportunities carry me to the next step instead of choosing a destination and clearly making the effort to travel there. Well, lets end that right now. Lets get back on track. I'm young yet...even though I don't always feel it as I rapidly approach 26. But, galdern it, 26 is gonna be a good one. I think of all the amazing progress I have made in the past five months and I'm very proud. But I can't relax. I have to keep pushing. And I felt a blog might help. For reals. It really helps me to articulate my process and review. And also, its hard to go back on a plan once you have told people you are doing it...so pressure and pride are now at stake. That should keep me on track. So here we go.

Today's first blog, the beginning blog, is about where I am and where I want to head next. I'm sure more detailed entries will follow on each of these balls that I have in the air.

Lets start with Improv:

I just finished level 4, getting ready for level 5 at IO (formerly known as Improv Olympic). I just started level 1 at Annoyance. I am performing with my good friends in a group named "Stripper's Picnic" (we really are a lot classier and smarter than the name suggests). I also am in rehearsal with a new group called "Plugged", a musical improv show that focuses on a different genre of music each week and tells a VHI behind the music style story. I keep going in and out of how I feel about my abilities. Somedays I feel confident and capable, other days, not so much. I am very hesitant to invite people to see me perform. Before each show or class or rehearsal, my heart starts racing and a voice in my head tells me "you aren't very good at this, why are you doing this? Today is the day that everyone will see how awful you are". Nice, right? But then I walk onstage, my mind clears, and I usually do a decent job.
BUT, I can't wait to get better. I feel like there is so much I don't understand yet about long form and piece by piece it is coming together. That is new to me. Usually if I like something, I learn it fast and succeed fast. Improvisation feels new and challenging, but it definitely helps me in other areas. It changes the way I listen to the people around me. I feel so much more present. It is making me a stronger actress. It needs to be this interlaced pipeline where it feeds into those pools, but then those pools filter back into my improv pool. Does that make sense? No? Well it does in my head.

GOAL(s) FOR THIS MONTH: ~confidence

~stronger choices

~abandon self consciousness and jump into the world/character/story that is being created in that moment!

MUSIC-

So in July, I joined the band "The Milemarkers". I sometimes refer to it as Old Man Band. Because it is. Me and five old men. And they are great. Its good old country/folk/blues influenced rock. Like Tom Petty. Or Lyle Lovett. Its the first time I have been in a band and it is crazy fun. It also makes me incredibly nervous, but it is freeing. I feel like I never know what to do with my hands when I perform. Like Nina in the Seagull. Strange. I become very aware of my body and I wish the microphone were thicker so I could hide behind it. Or that I was thinner for the same result.
We are going to record soon. Something else I have never done. I am supposed to start helping in song writing. Once again, nerves and self consciousness. Sharing my own ideas that come from my head makes me so scared. I have to get over that.

GOAL(s) FOR THIS MONTH: ~get over that.

~ work on my singer stage presence

~ write at least one song

ACTING-

Oh man. So yeah. This is where I have the most passion, knowledge and confidence...and yet, it is where I give the least energy these days. Is this because I am scared of failure? Probably. But lets ignore that diagnosis for now. Improvisation does require acting, but it is different. After the long run of "Some Girl(s)" ended, I haven't even auditioned for anything. During that run, I felt great. I felt so strong. It was wonderful. I need to devote more energy to this. I feel the best when I am in a show with other talented people telling a story night after night that I enjoy. I love listening in new ways, but having a dialogue to play with and a character that grows over time. Theatre is wonderful, when its done well. I really do believe in it. Sometimes the people frustrate me. But I am more frustrated with not being where I thought I would in the community by this point. And I am the only one responsible for that. I used to be so focused, but who knew life had so many distractions.

BUT, I just got new headshots, I finished a run of a great show that got great attention, and I applied to the School at Steppenwolf for the summer. I am determined to get in. It would be such an honor to be taught by the actors who I have admired for so long. I have plays to write and produce and act in and I need to get back on the path towards those goals!

projects I have dreamed about but haven't yet finalized/begun:

The Commitments (adaptation of the short story)

Preservation (rock opera adaptation of the Kinks album)

The Internationalist (I didn't write this, but I want to produce it)

Seriously world, look for these in the future.

GOAL(s) FOR THE MONTH:

~do some serious mailings with the new headshots

~rock the fuck out of my Steppenwolf audition

~hold a reading for The Internationalist

So super long blog, I know. I am excited though. Life is exciting right now. There is nothing that should get in my way. I am my only obstacle. So fuck you, me. Get out of the way. And get some confidence. I'm actually pretty great, wouldn't you agree? (Won't it be nice, when I can whole heartedly believe that all the time?)