Aged

Age has been an interesting/funny/awkward player in this past weekend. 19 days until my birthday, but I'm cool with that. It doesn't feel as strange as turning 25. A week before my birthday, my best friend Mindy asked me if I was excited about my mid twenties. I am pretty sure I burst into tears. I felt frustrated and lost and...old. Which is ridiculous! 25 is very young. 28 is young. 30...isn't even that bad! (is this what old people tell themselves to remain calm, cool and hopeful?) But the feeling lost and frustrated was definitely justified. I was not doing anything artistic, I felt very stagnant.
It is wonderful to feel like I'm in such a different place in just one year. I've even been telling people I'm 26 already, I'm not desperately clinging to the 25. But lets talk about this weekend and age.
So Friday was a Milemarkers show. I had a blast. It was the most calm I'm been at a show with the band so far and I felt so much control over my voice. Confidence and focus! It totally worked. I've been realizing what a visual person I am and I picture the notes in this specific way that I don't think I could describe in words. But I see the music in my mind and it helps me to control how I want each note to sound. Still not sure what to do with those hands I have. Friday I went with a hands stuck in pockets, feet slightly apart, head bobbing, occasional rocking sort of thing. I think it was appropriate. But when described that way, sounds awfully lame. No no, it felt good. Relaxed. John Rice (one of the most amazing musicians in Chicago) approves of me and wants to work on some new tunes, which is a great compliment that I will accept. He also is great and guessing when drunk older women will inevitably fall down whilst dancing. Oh, I wanted to talk about age. I think part of the fun is that I get to be the young one. Somehow, this makes people think I have this bright future and that feels good. I forget that I am just starting this portion of my artistic life and I have time to create a great future. That is reassuring. We are going to play the Hideout soon. I'll have to rally troupes to come. Which will scare me.
Next age day: Saturday. I drove out to Appleton Wisconsin with my sister to visit our little brother, Jacob. He is a music major and I think he is the coolest person I know. We sat in on his radio show, walked around campus, hung out in the dorm and went out to dinner with Jake and his lady friend. (Who I instantly liked when one of Jake's friends told us she retaliated to a relationship jibe by saying "Yeah. I stuck my dick in him." These are my standards.) I really miss that time in my life. College days are unbelievable. Yeah, you might stress about school or relationships, but really? Life is perfect. You are constantly surrounded by friends in a, basically, authority figure free environment where you just hang out, do drugs and make out. This is the life.
Sunday was the funniest age day. I was called in to audition for a play called "The Shallow End" for a theatre company I had never heard of. The play is about a group of 15 year olds chilling poolside. Many times, people will cast older people to play teenagers in these situations. So I showed up, signed in, got my sheet to fill out. Name. Age. Email. Parents names...what highschool do you go to?.....what is your favorite ice cream flavor?....what the hell- I look up and realize every other girl in the room is under 15. Seriously. My cheeks flush as stage mothers, confused or annoyed, look me up and down. Yes ladies, those are bags under my almost 26 year old eyes. And yes, I am equidistant in age to you and your child. So I walked up to the desk and said "Uhm, hi. So. I'm really old." And the sweet woman said "Oh, you aren't that old! I'm 29." I wonder if she thought I was just confessing something to her without a point. I said "Well, I was called in for this audition. But clearly I'm out of place."
So she said she would talk to the director, who met with me in the hallway while 13 year old Janice, braces wearing Emma and 80 pound Jenny awkwardly side stepped my old bones to get in the audition room. I once again voiced my obvious age concern. She told me a theatre company had recommended me because I can play young and I look young. "Which you do!" she reassured me. "But not next to a 13 year old." I added on. We all agreed on this point. So I left. Despite having to say "I. Am. Old." over and over again, it was pretty funny. I thought it would be really fun to act with a group of 13 year olds. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It would have been a hilarious comedic adventure to totally act like nothing was wrong and write about ice cream and make a group of teenage girls feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they would think "Maybe she has that weird syndrome where she ages double time...like Robin Williams in that movie no one saw..." But they haven't seen that movie, not because it was awful, but because they were born in the mid 90's. Oh what I wouldn't give to show up to that audition pregnant. Oh well.
So yeah, looking back, looking forward, being completely here right now. Its all pretty nice.

On a completely different note, but it must be added, tonight "Stripper's Picnic" (the improv team I am on) had a workshop with Bill Arnett. It was so helpful and so fun. It was really great to have one of the most amazing improvisers in my apartment joking around with us and honestly approving of our work. We focused on themes of our show and paying attention to behavioral patterns. Playing therapist from the outside is really helpful to pick up on patterns and themes. He is so smart and fun. I have a huge improv crush on him. Don't tell. But our group is totally tight. We love eachother so much and we are really growing fast. I am always excited to perform with the SP because there is unbelievable support there. And we make eachother laugh. A lot.
Ok. I have Lost to watch and sleep to catch.