What will be

Everything is both fantastic and awful right now.
I wonder what will happen.
I wish I could stay frozen.

Soul less

Last night I had a dream that lasted forever. Fogged hills near the water.
Like Maine.
But I've never been to Maine, so what do I know.
There was a car crash and an old barn.
Or mansion.
And I was running and trying to hide.
And he was following me. Wanted to protect me.
Or crush me.
Small doors, hidden rooms, peeling paint on wooden walls.
And I realized there were many of us trying to be protected or trying not to get crushed.
There was a mall. Or a hospital. A hospital in a mall. I've had dreams of this strange combination before. The same place.
Swimming inside.
It was confusing.
But all I know is I'm pretty sure I sold my soul to the devil in this dream. And he was so loving and terrifying at the same time. I wanted to please him and deceive him. And at times he was a she. I think she was me.
And all day I've had this horrible feeling.
Like I've lost a part of me I'm not sure I can get back.
Like I love something I'm a little afraid of.
Like I'm in over my head.
Like I might drown before I get to tell you all my secrets.

If my phone rang, I would.

On My Own

Doing a one person show is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. It sucks to act alone. I have always despised doing monologues for auditions....so why, one might ask, would I get involved with doing an hour and a half monologue every Thursday through Sunday?
I really do believe that it is a good story to hear. People are having trouble with the politics, and thats good. As long as they are hearing the words, I hope it provokes. But I hope they are doing that: hearing the words. Its one person's story, one person's opinion, of course its one sided, but is important and relevant.
There is all this controversy about Rachel Corrie's life. What really happened, the supposed IDF excuses that she was helping terrorists...but her words are what matter in this story. She makes a clear separation between a group of a people and a government. Would we all want to be identified with all American Governmental policies and actions? So why is it that we are so quick to do the same for a different group of people? Maybe some things are so scary and confusing, its easier to dismiss the humanity in the situation. Her words were about peace, about hope and encouraging people to focus on what good are we doing with our privileges. This is close to rambling, isn't it?

Anyway, its hard to act alone, I look forward to listening and reacting to people again soon.

On another note, I don't talk about it, but I live with a giant rage inside me. Violent dreams, such heated anger sometimes that it burns my cheeks and makes the knuckles of my clenched fists white. Heart racing anger. I have to busy my hands to distract them. Would you guess that about me? It really only revolves around few people in my life. And I never act on it. Only on occasion have I had to leave bed late at night, slip into the bathroom and punch a bunched up towel. I hate being lied to.

Also, I got put on a team at iO. I am the newest member of "Baby Problems", an existing team at iO....yeah, I know "Strippers Picnic" and "Baby Problems"...highly respectable, I am.

I haven't made enough time for people lately. Sorry about that. I'm feeling a bit like Joni right now: hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad,... Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

Scattered and Deviant

I haven't really slept in weeks. Hours here and there, daytime naps.
I have circles under my eyes, a puffed red eye liner. Today I feel trapped inside. I never reflected on the end of the program. I will sometime. It feels so big right now and it feels so over today and I don't want to file it just yet.
I've stolen time this week on patches of city grass, under street lights at 4am, apparently invisible to people walking by. I have a big purple bruise on my arm but its fading to yellow. And my mouth tastes like whiskey and diet coke from nights of drinking things in and I don't want to eat anything because I like that taste. I am on the verge of tears and steel. Lonliness today is so loud, its screaming against my sternum. There is work I should be doing. But I'd rather review than move on right now. I might scream. Or just shrink. I need to sleep. I really should sleep.
I have 30 pages of text to memorize. I keep hearing one passage over and over "one day you will fall in love with someone who is perpetually leaving you. Someone who beats you at scrabble, who uses big words, who tells every story like its a blues song. Someone who's eyes are perpetually bored and who's lips are perpetually amused."
So what do you think about that? Time to rest. I wasn't kidding when I said I wasn't done yet. But what does that matter. Its done. Maybe when I wake up I'll want to erase this. Do people really read this bullshit?

the end is near

Haven't been too great at keeping up this blog. Haven't been that great at keeping my journal up to date too. I know I'm going to regret that one day down the line. But school started moving so fast and wild, I don't even know how to untangle all the emotions and events to write about them.
Only three more weeks, which seems so crazy. I am already starting to feel post-partem depression and we aren't even done yet.
The last two weeks have just been wonderful. Great work in school, great times outside of school, getting closer to people. I love all the characters I get to play, I just hope I can do all the great work justice. Today was really rough for me. I just hit another wall, which happens at least once a week, so its shocking that I'm bothered by it. But I am. It was in my Meisner scene, which is my favorite piece to work on. Beautiful scene, wonderful scene partner. I felt like I was removed and was pounding on the window to get back in, but couldn't. I finally did ok work at the end, but I was sad. Like I let my partner down. Like I let the work down. And because time is running out fast, I feel like I want to have wonderful,beautiful moments all the time. Anything less is wasted. Which isn't fair to say, being frustrated is part of the work. But I felt really disappointed in myself.
Someone recently told me to not doubt myself again, but its really hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel things so strongly inside and I have so much fear about letting it out. We have been talking in "Balm in Gilead" rehearsal about addiction. I think I'm addicted to settling. That doesn't sound like its makes much sense. But I have all these huge passions inside and I think I'm afraid of how big and strong they are. I'm afraid if I let them out, I run this risk of heartbreak and judgement and loss of control. So I swallow them down and take the low risk option. This is all over my life. My emotions.
School is really helping me to free up those bound emotions. Its scary though. We talk a lot in school about shedding layers. Getting rid of those walls and boundaries so you can be present and honest. When I have those moments of freedom, of true self, it is the greatest feeling ever. It makes me feel so close to my friends in the program, to my belief in theatre. Scary to use the word, but I have love like I have never felt. And I'm scared of losing it. Losing this wonderful, pure, confusing, intense love. What a fuckin trip this has been. Three more lovely terrifying weeks to go.

End of Week 2

Wow, people, wow. The School is fucking killer awesome. And thats not because its fun and laughy good times every hour, oh no, some of this shit is so hard and painful and scary...but that all contributes to its fantasticness. (Although I have laughed harder than I have in a long time and I have felt my heart lift to new levels) I haven't felt this excited about theatre since I was still in college, all doe eyed and fresh faced and open. It feels like these wheels are starting to turn again and I can't wait to really start rolling....which I'm starting to do.

So ok, I'll organize this briefly into what we have been focusing on.

Do you know what "viewpoints" is? You should get to know it, take it out to get drinks sometime. The first week of class, I totally butted my head against this thing. I could. Not. Get it. And it was so frustrating. Basically, its like improv, but with organic physical movement. You tell these amazing abstract stories, its like modern dance. The point is to be really in tune with the other ensemble members and let their energies inspire instincts. You do it all in what is called "soft focus", which is sort of like what it like to look at one of those magic eye pictures...you know what I mean? So it would take a long time to describe this in detail, but the goal is to sort of feel like you aren't making choices, that choices just come to you. That you are reacting in the moment that you have the impulse and that that reaction is natural and true. (*this is a point that will come into play very often). I think last week, it was so new and everyone else seemed to pick it up so naturally and I had never really done it before and I wanted wanted wanted to get it so bad that I was totally up in my head, which is where you absolutely can't be for this to be successful. And then, blam, I had a weekend to chill and came back a fighter.

That was true with everything. I had this moment on Sunday where I was watching Steppenwolf win all the Tony awards (I was at a party at Steppenwolf watching this which was pretty inspiring) and this wimpy part of me started hiding and saying "you'll never get here, you aren't good enough" and all of a sudden I snapped to and shut that shit up. I am totally capable of achieving my goals. And that starts with just abandoning those awful voices and putting all my energy into working hard and taking full advantage of this amazing opportunity to work with an incredible ensemble of 24 fucking awesome actors and some of the greatest teachers around. So yeah! I just started this week without fear. Allowing myself to fail, to be vulnerable and to kick ass! It feels good.

Improv is so great at School. Sheldon, our teacher, is really smart and has seen so much. Everything he says is a gem. Meisner is hard and terrifying, but really helpful and totally up my alley. Feldenkrais is magic, voice class is...not super entertaining, but helpful. All of it, every single class, ties back to the same theme. Being present. Being totally fucking present and open and aware. And smart. Oh man, its just so perfect. Its the education I've been longing for since I was 15. Seriously. I just feel like each day I'm being turned inside out and looking at people in new ways and listening in new ways. What an exciting and challenging time!
Next week we add text analysis and then we'll start doing scene study and loading on ten more things soon enough. Its so scary. Each day is intimidating and scary, which makes each moment a total surprise. And isn't that the best?

Another Beginning

I start The School at Steppenwolf tomorrow. My general feeling right now is fear. Fear that I won't be good enough, that I won't fit in, that I will shrink into myself, that I won't feel comfortable being open, that I'm not prepared, that I won't know how to share all the love/belief in theatre that I have, that I will be snobby towards the "theatre kid" behavior...But I'm excited. Its going to be a really hard summer. There is something nice about not really knowing what to expect. But I am going to work my ass off and try to take some risks.

I went to pick up a script for school at Steppenwolf the other day and it was such a strange feeling. I keep taking these steps closer to accomplishing these big goals I have, but they feel like they are still pretty far away. I felt flustered and small when I was in the building. It is strange.

I think one of the most exciting parts of the summer will be finding a way to focus and attack all these big ideas I have. Once again, it is all about confidence. I think feeling confident gives clarity to all those paths that seem jumbled now. But it is also nice to feel like I don't have to just choose one. I don't think any of my goals have to suffer by spreading myself out. I think I just have to work that much harder at each one.

Speaking of those cool goals, check it:

I started recording some music in a studio for the first time. It is really fun and I felt much more comfortable than I thought I would. The dude who asked me to record had some really nice things to say, which always kind of stuns me. Hopefully this will encourage me to write some of my own tunes.

Also, Strippers Picnic is so fucking cool. We had a great run at Gorilla Tango with our pals SHTL, and we are going to have a busy summer. Performing at least once every week, got accepted into the Del Close Marathon through Upright Citizens Brigade in New York in August, just won a contest last night where our prize was a spot at DSI next year, we are feeling pretty good.

Well I think I might start writing more often now that I will be in School. AH! I start tomorrow!!! Wish me luck!

Miss me?

So hey, whats up? I haven't added a new blog since the last brief Steppenwolf note. I am so excited about this summer! It is going to be hard work, but so worth it. I am really looking forward to growing and learning with a talented group of actors. Does that sound artificial? Well it is true so fuck off.

Seeing as I can't work this summer, I've been doing all I can this month. Added two residencies to my teaching schedule, each very challenging. Finishing up the original musical I've been working on with the 8th graders of Hawthorne. The story might be a little flimsy, but the music is great! And the students are wonderful there. I really enjoy them. Preparing to do two one acts in the beginning of June, performing improv every Thursday (at Gorilla Tango) and Friday (at the Cornservatory) with Strippers Picnic, doing the band thing (we have a show on Saturday). So my next full day off where I really have nothing to do is on May 29th. I really look forward to that day. But I like staying busy. It will be nice to be able to focus on acting this summer. Wow, I'm really excited!

Also, I start 5b on Saturday at iO. I am really looking forward to completing my training there. It will feel good to finish it, regardless of what happens team wise. Unfortunately, there is all this crazy drama with people in my level. Luckily, I am completely removed from it. But it makes me uncomfortable because it seems like people really dig on that, real life drama. Lame. I'll just keep pushing forward, keeping my distance, focusing on the work. Thats the fun part.

Do you enjoy going home? I really do. I spent the day at my folks house last week and it was so relaxing. Its so clean and comfy. Its like going to a spa. With people who are there to love and support you. Without being paid. I'm glad they are only a car ride away. My family is pretty amazing. I'm excited to have my little bro around this summer. Because he is the coolest.

Pointless blog. But just felt like writing something new.

YES

I got into the School at Steppenwolf!!

Strippers Do It In the Dark

Stripper's Picnic had a rehearsal tonight. We hadn't had one in awhile because we have been performing every week together. But it was so nice. We wanted to really focus on some grounded scene work, connecting with eachother in scenes. So after dinner at Spoon Thai, we came back to my place, turned the lights down, lit some candles...and made love...right there on the dance floor. (See "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" for reference) So besides the lovin part, we really did rehearse in the glow of some christmas lights and candles. And it was great.

While we're in the mood, what do you think about this: having sex every day, regardless of being tired or angry or what have you, will strengthen a relationship. Discuss.

Future Apples

Isn't life exciting and fun? I think so. I'm really having a blast. Even when I am cranky because I have to teach a party of 20 five year olds gymnastics at 9am on a Sunday after getting two hours of sleep from a super fun night of drinking and laughing...even then, i'm having so much fun. And wow, I have such great love for everyone around me. I've mentioned that. But its this great big fluttery love. So am I ready for a new move? Lets talk music instead of thinking of that.
So to start, I saw Eels play last night. Oh my. Have you heard them? It was just two dudes and a stage full of instruments. Beautiful and rockin and totally great show. I am a new fan now. Yes, Eels have been around since forever, maybe I'm late getting on board. But, like woah. Like woah, my friends. Check 'em out. For best results, see live.

Also. I might be spending some time in New York for June and July. Couches anyone? I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to talk about it until it is something solid. But it would be a culmination of everything I love. Music, theatricals, travel. And the only thing that would get in the way of this happening would be me. Me choosing another option or me being scared. So me won't do that. Me will dive in and be brave and share all the big weird fantastic ideas I have with some other fantastic weird people. Vague enough? Things will be clear at the end of May.

But this is clear. Eels make me want to learn to play the saw. I need a saw and a bow.

Chirp Chirp

Isn't music great?  Yes. Yes it is.  Have you seen the line up for Pitchfork?  I already have a ticket because it will be wonderful.  Also, I am going to see Ray Davies tomorrow night.  And I love him.  When I hear the Jon Brion music from Eternal Sunshine, my heart expands.  Like its trying to be big enough to hold something so giantly beautiful.  Or maybe its just my brain working harder to try to explain why a series of notes can make me want to cry.  Hmm...

So you should really check out this.  It has some of my favorite music.  And then you should go here and add some music to the playlist.  Or create a new playlist with your name.   I've only added a couple songs to that list, so fill it up.  And don't forget to press save.  If you have trouble signing in, my email is jessiefisher82@gmail.com  and the password for that site is "music".  I want to hear what you are listening to.  What you like.  Music you think I'll like.  Let me know if you've added music.  That website is really fun.  Isn't Vampire Weekend great?  I just heard them for the first time and I like em.  Is there a point to this blog?  Not really.  Just in love with sounds right now.

Oh, ok, I could have a purpose to writing this.  I had my audition for the program at Steppenwolf.  It went well.  It felt kind of anti-climactic.  But I did well.  My monologue felt good, but the scene was a little strange.  Its hard to act with someone who is reading off a page and doesn't feel as emotionally engaged as you are.  And its hard to prepare for that.  But its done and that's good and now I wait to hear.  I got a call the day after my audition from a Chicago number  I didn't recognize.  When I answered, the woman on the phone said "Hi this is --- from Steppenwolf.  This has nothing to do with your audition yesterday."  It was a girl who is directing a show at the Bailiwick Directors Festival and she said Erica Daniels (Steppenwolf's Casting Director and the person who decides if I get into the program) gave her my name.  So she asked me to read this script and see if I was interested.  She said I came very highly recommended.  Which sounds good, but of course my mind immediately assumes that meant Erica gave her my head shot from the list of people she isn't interested in having in the school.  But they don't conflict.  Maybe its a good thing?  Well, I'll just wait and see.

Ok, I love you.  See you soon.

on the eve of my birthday

I woke up very abruptly at 8am this morning. I was having a real intense dream that was definitely influenced by the obscene amount of "Lost" I have been watching (damn that show is good). But despite having stayed out late last night, I woke up refreshed and completely happy. I had such a wonderful day yesterday and I think great days are ahead.
Yesterday started with an exciting journey to the suburbs with Eric. He had invited me to celebrate Holy Thursday with him the only true way you can: by going to Ikea. I had been meaning to go because I've lived in this apartment since November, but it still doesn't quite feel complete. So we borrowed my little bro's big ass non-hybrid (sorry Prius) truck, put in some Belle and Sebastian and head towards the land of corporate offices and chain restaurants. We had been excited to try Ikea's famed Swedish meatballs, but we were charmed by the "fresh tex mex" sign of Chevy's...a chain mexican restaurant. And what expedition around noon would be complete without a strawberry/raspberry margarita? Buzzed Ikea shopping is 50 the bomb. (That's right. Listen for it. Its going to be the new phrase.) But Ikea can also wear a person down. Winding aisles of swedish brand names, the lure of uneeded appliances, the human traffic...why would you bring your family to Ikea? It is probably the easiest place to lose a child or multiple children. I am convinced that a search party has to go out daily to find missing children at Ikea.
Anyway, after shoving Buddhism aside, Eric and I proudly left with a trunk full of things. And ya know what? Those things are great. Took E. home, went out to dinner with my family for my parents 31st anniversary. I love my family. I really do. They are so warm and supportive and funny and cute. My dad made a brief speech about how even though life can be hard and you are responsible for your own happiness, it is so much better to go through it with someone you love by your side. That made me happy. My parents haven't always had the easiest go of things, but they love each other so much and have been great role models. They are amazing. And so are my brother and sister.
I left dinner slightly early to run over to the Cornservatory for our return Gladiator show. I was nervous, as always. I decided to invite people last night to get over my fear of people I know watching me. So my fam, Jonah and Sarah came and my heart was racing and I was positive I would fail. We went last (having totally rocked last week) and I got on stage and my mind went blank and the first great scene went by and I had nothing and the second great scene went by and I had nothing and an edit had to be made and I even whispered to Eric "I have nothing", but then I was out editing the scene and then I was alone. On stage. And I started a scene. By myself. And it was great. It felt so good. I just went with my first idea with confidence and everything came together perfectly. The show continued with wonderful moves all around from the whole team. We are getting so good at really dissecting the themes from the suggestion. Man, it is a blast performing with the SPs. I know I write it constantly but our love for each other really makes us so tight. We are getting better each show. And we have so much fun!! Nothing tops the high of having a great show with a group of people you believe in and love. And Evan, our coach came! Making him proud means the most because he is responsible for making us so strong.
After the show, we went to see my friend's band, "Bryan Scary and the Shredding Tears", play. As always, they had a killer show. We wondered if it is possibe to sustain such high energy without the help of some serious druggery. But these guys are unreal. Such talented musicians and they put on a show. Entertaining, high energy, wonderful. And there might be some interesting/exciting news concerning them and me in the future.....
So yeah. Great day. On my car ride home from Ikea, Eric and I were talking about this past year. 25 has been amazing for me. It has been one of the greatest years of my life. I started doing Improv around this time last year, met all these wonderful new friends, travelled Asia for a month on my own, travelled to Israel and met more new friends, joined a band, joined a great improv group, spent 4 months in an amazing play, I've grown and changed and I've been frustrated, but motivated and full of action. I feel so much love right now for everything and everyone surrounding me. I may feel nervous about the future, but I feel confident that I'll get to where I want to be. Or find a new destination. But I'm enjoying being present in each moment getting there.

Strippers Rule!

Strippers Picnic performed tonight at the Cornservatory in a lil competition. We not only won, but we got a perfect score. We had a killer show.
Favorite moments: (the suggestion was "sex"...and we barely addressed the act of sex, which was super cool in my mind)
-John's killer monologue about not being the bravest little boy
-Amish fear of escalators
-divorce through pizza BBQ which lead to...
-great group scene involving babysitter
-pre-school teachers team building in Iraq

We had so much fun and really had a solid show. Although the whole score thing doesn't really mean anything, it felt great. I have so much love for my team. I say it a lot, but man, i'm so way into them.
Because we won, we get to come back next week to compete so please come and cheer for us! The winning team of the whole competition gets a month run at the space, so we need some support so we can keep winning! Also, the other groups are great too. Especially "seen. heard. touched. loved." These guys are hilarious and smart and probably deserve to beat us. So to prevent that:

8:00pm Thursday, March 20 Cornservatory

I am really scared that when people I know are there, I won't do as well. But I have to get used to it sometime. So lets try it out. You might be un-invited after next week.
Also, its my birthday soon. Like woah.

Naked Boys Fighting

Whats the deal with that? I just watched "Beowulf" last night and a couple weeks ago I watched "Eastern Promises". Two huge fights. Two totally naked dudes fighting. Whats up? I don't object. And I thought both movies were killer. Thats right. I thought Beowulf was awesome. Disagree if you must, America. But I stand by that. But why the totes nako fighting? Thoughts?

Saving daylight

I had my first class of level 5 at IO yesterday. I didn't feel great about it. I think everyone was kind of sizing each other up, but I'm having a hard time in IO classes right now. Whenever I perform or rehearse with Strippers Picnic, I have so much fun. I feel smart and confident and I just have a blast. I have felt the same way about class at Annoyance. But I have a major road block at IO right now. Every time I'm in class, I feel like my mind is frozen. Immediately, two walls go up on either side of me and my movements are limited. I just can't free myself in there. I think I have so much trust and support with the SP's and Annoyance class has such a positive feeling. There seems to be a negativity around my IO class. I still feel like I'm being judged.
But that could be in my head. I think as I get closer to 5b, my anxiety builds. When I started at IO, I never really cared about being put on a team. And at the end of the whole program, if I'm not, I won't be terribly disappointed. I look around and see very talented people. But I am competitive. And I think that part of me is starting to rev up. Maybe that is the problem. I'm starting to treat classes like a really really long audition so I'm trying to hard, thinking too much and not enjoying myself enough. Hmmm. But I still stand by the negative vibes in class too.
How do you put pictures in a blog?

Aged

Age has been an interesting/funny/awkward player in this past weekend. 19 days until my birthday, but I'm cool with that. It doesn't feel as strange as turning 25. A week before my birthday, my best friend Mindy asked me if I was excited about my mid twenties. I am pretty sure I burst into tears. I felt frustrated and lost and...old. Which is ridiculous! 25 is very young. 28 is young. 30...isn't even that bad! (is this what old people tell themselves to remain calm, cool and hopeful?) But the feeling lost and frustrated was definitely justified. I was not doing anything artistic, I felt very stagnant.
It is wonderful to feel like I'm in such a different place in just one year. I've even been telling people I'm 26 already, I'm not desperately clinging to the 25. But lets talk about this weekend and age.
So Friday was a Milemarkers show. I had a blast. It was the most calm I'm been at a show with the band so far and I felt so much control over my voice. Confidence and focus! It totally worked. I've been realizing what a visual person I am and I picture the notes in this specific way that I don't think I could describe in words. But I see the music in my mind and it helps me to control how I want each note to sound. Still not sure what to do with those hands I have. Friday I went with a hands stuck in pockets, feet slightly apart, head bobbing, occasional rocking sort of thing. I think it was appropriate. But when described that way, sounds awfully lame. No no, it felt good. Relaxed. John Rice (one of the most amazing musicians in Chicago) approves of me and wants to work on some new tunes, which is a great compliment that I will accept. He also is great and guessing when drunk older women will inevitably fall down whilst dancing. Oh, I wanted to talk about age. I think part of the fun is that I get to be the young one. Somehow, this makes people think I have this bright future and that feels good. I forget that I am just starting this portion of my artistic life and I have time to create a great future. That is reassuring. We are going to play the Hideout soon. I'll have to rally troupes to come. Which will scare me.
Next age day: Saturday. I drove out to Appleton Wisconsin with my sister to visit our little brother, Jacob. He is a music major and I think he is the coolest person I know. We sat in on his radio show, walked around campus, hung out in the dorm and went out to dinner with Jake and his lady friend. (Who I instantly liked when one of Jake's friends told us she retaliated to a relationship jibe by saying "Yeah. I stuck my dick in him." These are my standards.) I really miss that time in my life. College days are unbelievable. Yeah, you might stress about school or relationships, but really? Life is perfect. You are constantly surrounded by friends in a, basically, authority figure free environment where you just hang out, do drugs and make out. This is the life.
Sunday was the funniest age day. I was called in to audition for a play called "The Shallow End" for a theatre company I had never heard of. The play is about a group of 15 year olds chilling poolside. Many times, people will cast older people to play teenagers in these situations. So I showed up, signed in, got my sheet to fill out. Name. Age. Email. Parents names...what highschool do you go to?.....what is your favorite ice cream flavor?....what the hell- I look up and realize every other girl in the room is under 15. Seriously. My cheeks flush as stage mothers, confused or annoyed, look me up and down. Yes ladies, those are bags under my almost 26 year old eyes. And yes, I am equidistant in age to you and your child. So I walked up to the desk and said "Uhm, hi. So. I'm really old." And the sweet woman said "Oh, you aren't that old! I'm 29." I wonder if she thought I was just confessing something to her without a point. I said "Well, I was called in for this audition. But clearly I'm out of place."
So she said she would talk to the director, who met with me in the hallway while 13 year old Janice, braces wearing Emma and 80 pound Jenny awkwardly side stepped my old bones to get in the audition room. I once again voiced my obvious age concern. She told me a theatre company had recommended me because I can play young and I look young. "Which you do!" she reassured me. "But not next to a 13 year old." I added on. We all agreed on this point. So I left. Despite having to say "I. Am. Old." over and over again, it was pretty funny. I thought it would be really fun to act with a group of 13 year olds. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It would have been a hilarious comedic adventure to totally act like nothing was wrong and write about ice cream and make a group of teenage girls feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they would think "Maybe she has that weird syndrome where she ages double time...like Robin Williams in that movie no one saw..." But they haven't seen that movie, not because it was awful, but because they were born in the mid 90's. Oh what I wouldn't give to show up to that audition pregnant. Oh well.
So yeah, looking back, looking forward, being completely here right now. Its all pretty nice.

On a completely different note, but it must be added, tonight "Stripper's Picnic" (the improv team I am on) had a workshop with Bill Arnett. It was so helpful and so fun. It was really great to have one of the most amazing improvisers in my apartment joking around with us and honestly approving of our work. We focused on themes of our show and paying attention to behavioral patterns. Playing therapist from the outside is really helpful to pick up on patterns and themes. He is so smart and fun. I have a huge improv crush on him. Don't tell. But our group is totally tight. We love eachother so much and we are really growing fast. I am always excited to perform with the SP because there is unbelievable support there. And we make eachother laugh. A lot.
Ok. I have Lost to watch and sleep to catch.

Beginners Blog

Today, I did a lot of thinking about focus. Although I couldn't be happier with all the wonderful artistic endeavors I am involved in, goals still feel out of reach and I think that is because I've lost some focus. I let opportunities carry me to the next step instead of choosing a destination and clearly making the effort to travel there. Well, lets end that right now. Lets get back on track. I'm young yet...even though I don't always feel it as I rapidly approach 26. But, galdern it, 26 is gonna be a good one. I think of all the amazing progress I have made in the past five months and I'm very proud. But I can't relax. I have to keep pushing. And I felt a blog might help. For reals. It really helps me to articulate my process and review. And also, its hard to go back on a plan once you have told people you are doing it...so pressure and pride are now at stake. That should keep me on track. So here we go.

Today's first blog, the beginning blog, is about where I am and where I want to head next. I'm sure more detailed entries will follow on each of these balls that I have in the air.

Lets start with Improv:

I just finished level 4, getting ready for level 5 at IO (formerly known as Improv Olympic). I just started level 1 at Annoyance. I am performing with my good friends in a group named "Stripper's Picnic" (we really are a lot classier and smarter than the name suggests). I also am in rehearsal with a new group called "Plugged", a musical improv show that focuses on a different genre of music each week and tells a VHI behind the music style story. I keep going in and out of how I feel about my abilities. Somedays I feel confident and capable, other days, not so much. I am very hesitant to invite people to see me perform. Before each show or class or rehearsal, my heart starts racing and a voice in my head tells me "you aren't very good at this, why are you doing this? Today is the day that everyone will see how awful you are". Nice, right? But then I walk onstage, my mind clears, and I usually do a decent job.
BUT, I can't wait to get better. I feel like there is so much I don't understand yet about long form and piece by piece it is coming together. That is new to me. Usually if I like something, I learn it fast and succeed fast. Improvisation feels new and challenging, but it definitely helps me in other areas. It changes the way I listen to the people around me. I feel so much more present. It is making me a stronger actress. It needs to be this interlaced pipeline where it feeds into those pools, but then those pools filter back into my improv pool. Does that make sense? No? Well it does in my head.

GOAL(s) FOR THIS MONTH: ~confidence

~stronger choices

~abandon self consciousness and jump into the world/character/story that is being created in that moment!

MUSIC-

So in July, I joined the band "The Milemarkers". I sometimes refer to it as Old Man Band. Because it is. Me and five old men. And they are great. Its good old country/folk/blues influenced rock. Like Tom Petty. Or Lyle Lovett. Its the first time I have been in a band and it is crazy fun. It also makes me incredibly nervous, but it is freeing. I feel like I never know what to do with my hands when I perform. Like Nina in the Seagull. Strange. I become very aware of my body and I wish the microphone were thicker so I could hide behind it. Or that I was thinner for the same result.
We are going to record soon. Something else I have never done. I am supposed to start helping in song writing. Once again, nerves and self consciousness. Sharing my own ideas that come from my head makes me so scared. I have to get over that.

GOAL(s) FOR THIS MONTH: ~get over that.

~ work on my singer stage presence

~ write at least one song

ACTING-

Oh man. So yeah. This is where I have the most passion, knowledge and confidence...and yet, it is where I give the least energy these days. Is this because I am scared of failure? Probably. But lets ignore that diagnosis for now. Improvisation does require acting, but it is different. After the long run of "Some Girl(s)" ended, I haven't even auditioned for anything. During that run, I felt great. I felt so strong. It was wonderful. I need to devote more energy to this. I feel the best when I am in a show with other talented people telling a story night after night that I enjoy. I love listening in new ways, but having a dialogue to play with and a character that grows over time. Theatre is wonderful, when its done well. I really do believe in it. Sometimes the people frustrate me. But I am more frustrated with not being where I thought I would in the community by this point. And I am the only one responsible for that. I used to be so focused, but who knew life had so many distractions.

BUT, I just got new headshots, I finished a run of a great show that got great attention, and I applied to the School at Steppenwolf for the summer. I am determined to get in. It would be such an honor to be taught by the actors who I have admired for so long. I have plays to write and produce and act in and I need to get back on the path towards those goals!

projects I have dreamed about but haven't yet finalized/begun:

The Commitments (adaptation of the short story)

Preservation (rock opera adaptation of the Kinks album)

The Internationalist (I didn't write this, but I want to produce it)

Seriously world, look for these in the future.

GOAL(s) FOR THE MONTH:

~do some serious mailings with the new headshots

~rock the fuck out of my Steppenwolf audition

~hold a reading for The Internationalist

So super long blog, I know. I am excited though. Life is exciting right now. There is nothing that should get in my way. I am my only obstacle. So fuck you, me. Get out of the way. And get some confidence. I'm actually pretty great, wouldn't you agree? (Won't it be nice, when I can whole heartedly believe that all the time?)