Oh yes, Chicago Summer. I'm so excited for this one.
teaching music/generally just enjoying being around adorable children at zoo camp through lookingglass
teaching viewpoints and improv to teenagers in Evanston
reviving "These Shining Lives" at theatre on the Lake. Can't wait to hang with the crew again.
going to New York at the end of July.
going to New York in August with Strippers Picnic to perform at the Del Close marathon.
possible trip to Kansas City.
First Folio class at Chicago Shakespeare.
Costa Rica at the end of August!
working with the Hypocrites in the fall!! Frankenstein at the MCA. So excited!
lots of beach hanging. park hanging. music, movies, summer dance in chicago, relaxing, enjoying everyone around me.
Just need to get an Air conditioning window unit, and everything should be just wonderful.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
year 2 begins
It has been just a couple days past the year anniversary of my first blog post. Like woah. Its pretty wonderful to read back on the goals I had and see how much I have accomplished in this year. I'm still trying to figure out so many things, but its exciting to chart progress. Thank you blog, thank you for that. Maybe I'll get back on the blog ball and start writing more...But lets catch up on then and nows...
Improv
Well, the unfortunate part is this hasn't gotten any easier for me. It still scares the shit out of me, I still have panic attacks before shows, I am still full of self doubt and self consciousness...but on the good side, I've made huge strides forward and I can recognize I'm much better than i was and I continue to get better. I finished the program at iO, was placed on a team (Baby Problems/Troy), that team just got cut, but its ok. I was asked to perform for two other shows there, but time has been a problem lately, so I'm, for now, not involved with iO. But it feels great to know I performed there. I think sometimes its hard for me to pass up opportunities that seem like steps up, even if its a step I'm not necessarily that into. Make sense?
But Strippers Picnic could not be better. We have great shows that make me feel good. I love these people so much. check out www.stripperspicnic.com. Yeah, we have a website and its awesome.
So Goals?:
-become better at playing with strangers (I bombed with a group of heavy hitters a couple nights ago....it sucked to be me that night. I was shy and scared and quiet and lame. balls.)
Thats it. Thats the year goal.
Music
Well the Milemarkers are no more, but thats cool. I got the opportunity to record music, get much much much more comfortable singing and I have written lots of great music that I'm proud of. I mostly sing in the privacy of my own shower, but thats all I need right now. The energy spent on improv and music goes in and out of focus, but I still really enjoy having it in my life.
Goal: Become more comfortable singing for auditions! Lets do something musical this year in theatre!
Acting
Well check it out, the greatest passion I have has just flourished this year. I got into the School at Steppenwolf, had an amazing summer, and I have consistantly working since. Did Rachel Corrie, then These Shining Lives, now I'm rehearsing for The Wonderful World of Dissocia and then I start rehearsals for Of Mice and Men at Steppenwolf! So huge goal met! Its for the theatre for young adults series, but i'm so excited about it. I don't think I would have guessed that in one year, I would be making so much progress. I even had my very first on camera audition for a new pilot for NBC last week, got a callback and met the producer and apparently (despite feeling very nervous and not feeling great about it because of this) did really well. So hey, I'm going to keep working my ass off to keep becoming a better actor and scene partner and ensemble member and hopefully things will keep happening!
Goals: Stay focused. Work hard. Listen.
So the art part of life is in such a beautiful place. I feel so fulfilled with that and excited and proud and greatful.
Just gotta figure out all those other life components like relationships and being a human being that effects other people. Its hard. And can be so confusing. My mind swims and I lose all sense of articulation and I have so much love and also so much anger to deal with. It is hard. But I'm working on it.
Hopefully the 27th year of me will be full of enlightenment.
Improv
Well, the unfortunate part is this hasn't gotten any easier for me. It still scares the shit out of me, I still have panic attacks before shows, I am still full of self doubt and self consciousness...but on the good side, I've made huge strides forward and I can recognize I'm much better than i was and I continue to get better. I finished the program at iO, was placed on a team (Baby Problems/Troy), that team just got cut, but its ok. I was asked to perform for two other shows there, but time has been a problem lately, so I'm, for now, not involved with iO. But it feels great to know I performed there. I think sometimes its hard for me to pass up opportunities that seem like steps up, even if its a step I'm not necessarily that into. Make sense?
But Strippers Picnic could not be better. We have great shows that make me feel good. I love these people so much. check out www.stripperspicnic.com. Yeah, we have a website and its awesome.
So Goals?:
-become better at playing with strangers (I bombed with a group of heavy hitters a couple nights ago....it sucked to be me that night. I was shy and scared and quiet and lame. balls.)
Thats it. Thats the year goal.
Music
Well the Milemarkers are no more, but thats cool. I got the opportunity to record music, get much much much more comfortable singing and I have written lots of great music that I'm proud of. I mostly sing in the privacy of my own shower, but thats all I need right now. The energy spent on improv and music goes in and out of focus, but I still really enjoy having it in my life.
Goal: Become more comfortable singing for auditions! Lets do something musical this year in theatre!
Acting
Well check it out, the greatest passion I have has just flourished this year. I got into the School at Steppenwolf, had an amazing summer, and I have consistantly working since. Did Rachel Corrie, then These Shining Lives, now I'm rehearsing for The Wonderful World of Dissocia and then I start rehearsals for Of Mice and Men at Steppenwolf! So huge goal met! Its for the theatre for young adults series, but i'm so excited about it. I don't think I would have guessed that in one year, I would be making so much progress. I even had my very first on camera audition for a new pilot for NBC last week, got a callback and met the producer and apparently (despite feeling very nervous and not feeling great about it because of this) did really well. So hey, I'm going to keep working my ass off to keep becoming a better actor and scene partner and ensemble member and hopefully things will keep happening!
Goals: Stay focused. Work hard. Listen.
So the art part of life is in such a beautiful place. I feel so fulfilled with that and excited and proud and greatful.
Just gotta figure out all those other life components like relationships and being a human being that effects other people. Its hard. And can be so confusing. My mind swims and I lose all sense of articulation and I have so much love and also so much anger to deal with. It is hard. But I'm working on it.
Hopefully the 27th year of me will be full of enlightenment.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What will be
Everything is both fantastic and awful right now.
I wonder what will happen.
I wish I could stay frozen.
I wonder what will happen.
I wish I could stay frozen.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Soul less
Last night I had a dream that lasted forever. Fogged hills near the water.
Like Maine.
But I've never been to Maine, so what do I know.
There was a car crash and an old barn.
Or mansion.
And I was running and trying to hide.
And he was following me. Wanted to protect me.
Or crush me.
Small doors, hidden rooms, peeling paint on wooden walls.
And I realized there were many of us trying to be protected or trying not to get crushed.
There was a mall. Or a hospital. A hospital in a mall. I've had dreams of this strange combination before. The same place.
Swimming inside.
It was confusing.
But all I know is I'm pretty sure I sold my soul to the devil in this dream. And he was so loving and terrifying at the same time. I wanted to please him and deceive him. And at times he was a she. I think she was me.
And all day I've had this horrible feeling.
Like I've lost a part of me I'm not sure I can get back.
Like I love something I'm a little afraid of.
Like I'm in over my head.
Like I might drown before I get to tell you all my secrets.
If my phone rang, I would.
Like Maine.
But I've never been to Maine, so what do I know.
There was a car crash and an old barn.
Or mansion.
And I was running and trying to hide.
And he was following me. Wanted to protect me.
Or crush me.
Small doors, hidden rooms, peeling paint on wooden walls.
And I realized there were many of us trying to be protected or trying not to get crushed.
There was a mall. Or a hospital. A hospital in a mall. I've had dreams of this strange combination before. The same place.
Swimming inside.
It was confusing.
But all I know is I'm pretty sure I sold my soul to the devil in this dream. And he was so loving and terrifying at the same time. I wanted to please him and deceive him. And at times he was a she. I think she was me.
And all day I've had this horrible feeling.
Like I've lost a part of me I'm not sure I can get back.
Like I love something I'm a little afraid of.
Like I'm in over my head.
Like I might drown before I get to tell you all my secrets.
If my phone rang, I would.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
On My Own
Doing a one person show is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. It sucks to act alone. I have always despised doing monologues for auditions....so why, one might ask, would I get involved with doing an hour and a half monologue every Thursday through Sunday?
I really do believe that it is a good story to hear. People are having trouble with the politics, and thats good. As long as they are hearing the words, I hope it provokes. But I hope they are doing that: hearing the words. Its one person's story, one person's opinion, of course its one sided, but is important and relevant.
There is all this controversy about Rachel Corrie's life. What really happened, the supposed IDF excuses that she was helping terrorists...but her words are what matter in this story. She makes a clear separation between a group of a people and a government. Would we all want to be identified with all American Governmental policies and actions? So why is it that we are so quick to do the same for a different group of people? Maybe some things are so scary and confusing, its easier to dismiss the humanity in the situation. Her words were about peace, about hope and encouraging people to focus on what good are we doing with our privileges. This is close to rambling, isn't it?
Anyway, its hard to act alone, I look forward to listening and reacting to people again soon.
On another note, I don't talk about it, but I live with a giant rage inside me. Violent dreams, such heated anger sometimes that it burns my cheeks and makes the knuckles of my clenched fists white. Heart racing anger. I have to busy my hands to distract them. Would you guess that about me? It really only revolves around few people in my life. And I never act on it. Only on occasion have I had to leave bed late at night, slip into the bathroom and punch a bunched up towel. I hate being lied to.
Also, I got put on a team at iO. I am the newest member of "Baby Problems", an existing team at iO....yeah, I know "Strippers Picnic" and "Baby Problems"...highly respectable, I am.
I haven't made enough time for people lately. Sorry about that. I'm feeling a bit like Joni right now: hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad,... Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.
I really do believe that it is a good story to hear. People are having trouble with the politics, and thats good. As long as they are hearing the words, I hope it provokes. But I hope they are doing that: hearing the words. Its one person's story, one person's opinion, of course its one sided, but is important and relevant.
There is all this controversy about Rachel Corrie's life. What really happened, the supposed IDF excuses that she was helping terrorists...but her words are what matter in this story. She makes a clear separation between a group of a people and a government. Would we all want to be identified with all American Governmental policies and actions? So why is it that we are so quick to do the same for a different group of people? Maybe some things are so scary and confusing, its easier to dismiss the humanity in the situation. Her words were about peace, about hope and encouraging people to focus on what good are we doing with our privileges. This is close to rambling, isn't it?
Anyway, its hard to act alone, I look forward to listening and reacting to people again soon.
On another note, I don't talk about it, but I live with a giant rage inside me. Violent dreams, such heated anger sometimes that it burns my cheeks and makes the knuckles of my clenched fists white. Heart racing anger. I have to busy my hands to distract them. Would you guess that about me? It really only revolves around few people in my life. And I never act on it. Only on occasion have I had to leave bed late at night, slip into the bathroom and punch a bunched up towel. I hate being lied to.
Also, I got put on a team at iO. I am the newest member of "Baby Problems", an existing team at iO....yeah, I know "Strippers Picnic" and "Baby Problems"...highly respectable, I am.
I haven't made enough time for people lately. Sorry about that. I'm feeling a bit like Joni right now: hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad,... Oh I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Scattered and Deviant
I haven't really slept in weeks. Hours here and there, daytime naps.
I have circles under my eyes, a puffed red eye liner. Today I feel trapped inside. I never reflected on the end of the program. I will sometime. It feels so big right now and it feels so over today and I don't want to file it just yet.
I've stolen time this week on patches of city grass, under street lights at 4am, apparently invisible to people walking by. I have a big purple bruise on my arm but its fading to yellow. And my mouth tastes like whiskey and diet coke from nights of drinking things in and I don't want to eat anything because I like that taste. I am on the verge of tears and steel. Lonliness today is so loud, its screaming against my sternum. There is work I should be doing. But I'd rather review than move on right now. I might scream. Or just shrink. I need to sleep. I really should sleep.
I have 30 pages of text to memorize. I keep hearing one passage over and over "one day you will fall in love with someone who is perpetually leaving you. Someone who beats you at scrabble, who uses big words, who tells every story like its a blues song. Someone who's eyes are perpetually bored and who's lips are perpetually amused."
So what do you think about that? Time to rest. I wasn't kidding when I said I wasn't done yet. But what does that matter. Its done. Maybe when I wake up I'll want to erase this. Do people really read this bullshit?
I have circles under my eyes, a puffed red eye liner. Today I feel trapped inside. I never reflected on the end of the program. I will sometime. It feels so big right now and it feels so over today and I don't want to file it just yet.
I've stolen time this week on patches of city grass, under street lights at 4am, apparently invisible to people walking by. I have a big purple bruise on my arm but its fading to yellow. And my mouth tastes like whiskey and diet coke from nights of drinking things in and I don't want to eat anything because I like that taste. I am on the verge of tears and steel. Lonliness today is so loud, its screaming against my sternum. There is work I should be doing. But I'd rather review than move on right now. I might scream. Or just shrink. I need to sleep. I really should sleep.
I have 30 pages of text to memorize. I keep hearing one passage over and over "one day you will fall in love with someone who is perpetually leaving you. Someone who beats you at scrabble, who uses big words, who tells every story like its a blues song. Someone who's eyes are perpetually bored and who's lips are perpetually amused."
So what do you think about that? Time to rest. I wasn't kidding when I said I wasn't done yet. But what does that matter. Its done. Maybe when I wake up I'll want to erase this. Do people really read this bullshit?
Monday, July 28, 2008
the end is near
Haven't been too great at keeping up this blog. Haven't been that great at keeping my journal up to date too. I know I'm going to regret that one day down the line. But school started moving so fast and wild, I don't even know how to untangle all the emotions and events to write about them.
Only three more weeks, which seems so crazy. I am already starting to feel post-partem depression and we aren't even done yet.
The last two weeks have just been wonderful. Great work in school, great times outside of school, getting closer to people. I love all the characters I get to play, I just hope I can do all the great work justice. Today was really rough for me. I just hit another wall, which happens at least once a week, so its shocking that I'm bothered by it. But I am. It was in my Meisner scene, which is my favorite piece to work on. Beautiful scene, wonderful scene partner. I felt like I was removed and was pounding on the window to get back in, but couldn't. I finally did ok work at the end, but I was sad. Like I let my partner down. Like I let the work down. And because time is running out fast, I feel like I want to have wonderful,beautiful moments all the time. Anything less is wasted. Which isn't fair to say, being frustrated is part of the work. But I felt really disappointed in myself.
Someone recently told me to not doubt myself again, but its really hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel things so strongly inside and I have so much fear about letting it out. We have been talking in "Balm in Gilead" rehearsal about addiction. I think I'm addicted to settling. That doesn't sound like its makes much sense. But I have all these huge passions inside and I think I'm afraid of how big and strong they are. I'm afraid if I let them out, I run this risk of heartbreak and judgement and loss of control. So I swallow them down and take the low risk option. This is all over my life. My emotions.
School is really helping me to free up those bound emotions. Its scary though. We talk a lot in school about shedding layers. Getting rid of those walls and boundaries so you can be present and honest. When I have those moments of freedom, of true self, it is the greatest feeling ever. It makes me feel so close to my friends in the program, to my belief in theatre. Scary to use the word, but I have love like I have never felt. And I'm scared of losing it. Losing this wonderful, pure, confusing, intense love. What a fuckin trip this has been. Three more lovely terrifying weeks to go.
Only three more weeks, which seems so crazy. I am already starting to feel post-partem depression and we aren't even done yet.
The last two weeks have just been wonderful. Great work in school, great times outside of school, getting closer to people. I love all the characters I get to play, I just hope I can do all the great work justice. Today was really rough for me. I just hit another wall, which happens at least once a week, so its shocking that I'm bothered by it. But I am. It was in my Meisner scene, which is my favorite piece to work on. Beautiful scene, wonderful scene partner. I felt like I was removed and was pounding on the window to get back in, but couldn't. I finally did ok work at the end, but I was sad. Like I let my partner down. Like I let the work down. And because time is running out fast, I feel like I want to have wonderful,beautiful moments all the time. Anything less is wasted. Which isn't fair to say, being frustrated is part of the work. But I felt really disappointed in myself.
Someone recently told me to not doubt myself again, but its really hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel things so strongly inside and I have so much fear about letting it out. We have been talking in "Balm in Gilead" rehearsal about addiction. I think I'm addicted to settling. That doesn't sound like its makes much sense. But I have all these huge passions inside and I think I'm afraid of how big and strong they are. I'm afraid if I let them out, I run this risk of heartbreak and judgement and loss of control. So I swallow them down and take the low risk option. This is all over my life. My emotions.
School is really helping me to free up those bound emotions. Its scary though. We talk a lot in school about shedding layers. Getting rid of those walls and boundaries so you can be present and honest. When I have those moments of freedom, of true self, it is the greatest feeling ever. It makes me feel so close to my friends in the program, to my belief in theatre. Scary to use the word, but I have love like I have never felt. And I'm scared of losing it. Losing this wonderful, pure, confusing, intense love. What a fuckin trip this has been. Three more lovely terrifying weeks to go.
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