I haven't really slept in weeks. Hours here and there, daytime naps.
I have circles under my eyes, a puffed red eye liner. Today I feel trapped inside. I never reflected on the end of the program. I will sometime. It feels so big right now and it feels so over today and I don't want to file it just yet.
I've stolen time this week on patches of city grass, under street lights at 4am, apparently invisible to people walking by. I have a big purple bruise on my arm but its fading to yellow. And my mouth tastes like whiskey and diet coke from nights of drinking things in and I don't want to eat anything because I like that taste. I am on the verge of tears and steel. Lonliness today is so loud, its screaming against my sternum. There is work I should be doing. But I'd rather review than move on right now. I might scream. Or just shrink. I need to sleep. I really should sleep.
I have 30 pages of text to memorize. I keep hearing one passage over and over "one day you will fall in love with someone who is perpetually leaving you. Someone who beats you at scrabble, who uses big words, who tells every story like its a blues song. Someone who's eyes are perpetually bored and who's lips are perpetually amused."
So what do you think about that? Time to rest. I wasn't kidding when I said I wasn't done yet. But what does that matter. Its done. Maybe when I wake up I'll want to erase this. Do people really read this bullshit?
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You never have to be lonely.
I would wrap you in the warm blanket of my thin arms and I wouldn't say anything.
You could talk to me like your family's first dog. Like a little girl who drifts to sleep telling her worries and secrets to be loving eyes that will never repeat them.
When it was right, I'd dryly coo something that would bring back that top row of teeth Jessie Fisher smile.
A plant aches for water, it's petals creaking against the inside of my chest as I think of you and miss you more upon more each day. Nothing I say or do no matter how hard I try makes that last sentence not true.
Nobody else I hold can replace you no matter how hard I try. I wish I could hate you for this.
And I just wish you'd call...
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