the end is near

Haven't been too great at keeping up this blog. Haven't been that great at keeping my journal up to date too. I know I'm going to regret that one day down the line. But school started moving so fast and wild, I don't even know how to untangle all the emotions and events to write about them.
Only three more weeks, which seems so crazy. I am already starting to feel post-partem depression and we aren't even done yet.
The last two weeks have just been wonderful. Great work in school, great times outside of school, getting closer to people. I love all the characters I get to play, I just hope I can do all the great work justice. Today was really rough for me. I just hit another wall, which happens at least once a week, so its shocking that I'm bothered by it. But I am. It was in my Meisner scene, which is my favorite piece to work on. Beautiful scene, wonderful scene partner. I felt like I was removed and was pounding on the window to get back in, but couldn't. I finally did ok work at the end, but I was sad. Like I let my partner down. Like I let the work down. And because time is running out fast, I feel like I want to have wonderful,beautiful moments all the time. Anything less is wasted. Which isn't fair to say, being frustrated is part of the work. But I felt really disappointed in myself.
Someone recently told me to not doubt myself again, but its really hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel things so strongly inside and I have so much fear about letting it out. We have been talking in "Balm in Gilead" rehearsal about addiction. I think I'm addicted to settling. That doesn't sound like its makes much sense. But I have all these huge passions inside and I think I'm afraid of how big and strong they are. I'm afraid if I let them out, I run this risk of heartbreak and judgement and loss of control. So I swallow them down and take the low risk option. This is all over my life. My emotions.
School is really helping me to free up those bound emotions. Its scary though. We talk a lot in school about shedding layers. Getting rid of those walls and boundaries so you can be present and honest. When I have those moments of freedom, of true self, it is the greatest feeling ever. It makes me feel so close to my friends in the program, to my belief in theatre. Scary to use the word, but I have love like I have never felt. And I'm scared of losing it. Losing this wonderful, pure, confusing, intense love. What a fuckin trip this has been. Three more lovely terrifying weeks to go.